Tinder 19

Even though a highly contagious virus has brought the world to its knees and it’s highly advisable to isolate yourself at home, he’s trying to convince the 19th girl he’s met on Tinder to meet up so they can fuck each other’s brains out.

They are currently sexting, she wants him to fuck her so badly but doesn’t want to risk an infection. He begs her to stop sending him nudes, he doesn’t want to cum just yet. He’s saving every drop for her face. Or tits. He can’t decide. She suggests flipping a coin.

He calls her. “If you let me come over I’ll get your favourite ice-cream.”

“From SuperNatural? But it’s shut.” She says.

“I know the owner.” He lies.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

She agrees. He immediately hops into his car and starts driving. He doesn’t know the owner and isn’t going to bring her favourite ice-cream. But he’s pretty sure she won’t kick him out once she sees him outside her front door.

During the drive he can’t help but feel a little sad at the empty streets. No movies. No sports. No street food.

He stops at a red light even though it isn’t necessary. And that’s when he sees two masked men holding guns. One points a gun at him from the driver’s side and the other from the passenger side.

One of them pulls out a sign that says: ’Get out of car or we shoot you’

Shit. He’s heard a lot about these carjackers but never thought he’d be a potential victim. He can’t afford to get carjacked. He spent a year’s salary on this car.

He decides to risk getting shot. He slams his foot on the accelerator to try to get away but multiple bullets enter his head.

The carjackers are annoyed because now they’ll have to waste time and money cleaning the car and fixing the windows.

Corpse Pose

The police found her dead on her yoga mat with her throat cut.

Why kill her on Yoga Day? Why kill her at all?

She was my 60-year-old neighbour next door. She was such a nice person. During lockdown she cooked extra food for the poor.

She was a school teacher and gave math tuitions to struggling students for free.

I was one of the kids in her math class all those years ago.

A few weeks later the police reveal that she had been grooming little boys for decades.

A few men have come out accusing her of sexually abusing them.

But I don’t believe a word of it. She was a kind lady who would never do such a thing.

That very night I have a bad dream where I am being sexually abused by her.

“Bend down and get on your knees.” She orders. “As if you’re doing yoga.”

I do as she says. And then I wake up. My heart is beating so fast.

Was that really a dream? Or was it a memory? Did she really do those things to me when I was young?

No it can’t be… If she did there is no way in hell I would let her get away with it.

I go to the bathroom to wash my face.

And that’s when I spot a razor with dried blood on it.

Footprint

“There’s someone there!” My 10-year-old daughter points out the living room window.

“Impossible. Where are the footprints?” I reply.

It’s snowing tonight and if there were anyone out there then there would be footprints.

“But It wasn’t walking. It was floating.” She says.

I laugh. “Okay then. Let’s get you to bed so you’ll be safe.”

As we’re going upstairs she says, “It’s right in front of us!”

“Sure it is!” I grin.

After I put her to bed I go to my own room and go to sleep.

The next day my daughter complains about a headache.

“I feel awful.” She says.

I give her some medicine, which makes her feel better.

My daughter and I watch movies on Sundays and today is no different.

But at night her head starts pounding again.

“It feels like something is trying to break out of my skull!” She cries. “I think It’s inside me.”

“No, don’t say that… you’ll be alright. Just take more medicine.”

She takes more medicine. Even though her head still feels like it’s going to blast open, she manages to fall asleep.

The next morning at breakfast she’s all smiles and laughter. She’s feeling a lot better. After she finishes eating she leaves for school.

I watch her through the window. It’s snowing again. I made sure she wore an extra sweater under her jacket. Sometimes cold weather can trigger migraines.

But then I realize that she isn’t walking… she’s floating.

 

 

Writer: Rohan

Love

Dinner with my girlfriend’s mother is never pleasant.

“Are you still a junior manager?” My girlfriend’s mother asks me. “You know, Anthony is CEO of two companies now.”

My girlfriend, Jane, left Anthony because he was always working and never had time for her. Sometimes I feel that Jane wouldn’t be with me if Anthony had worked a little less. And Jane’s mother always bring up Anthony whenever we have dinner.

After dinner Jane and I drive home.

“I’m sorry about my mother.” Jane says as usual.

“It’s fine.” I reply.

“I have a surprise for you.” Jane says. “It’s waiting for you at home.”

A surprise? Jane has never surprised me before. I mean aside from agreeing to be my girlfriend.

When we get home Jane leads me to the garage. I’m shocked when I see Anthony’s dead body lying there.

There’s a bullet in his head.

“I know this is a little extreme.” Jane says. “But I want to prove to you that I’m never going to go back to him, no matter how much my mother wishes I would. You have no reason to be insecure. I love you.”

She hugs me. I hug her back.

You know what, I feel a bit better.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Wrong Guy

You can never be too careful if you’re a single father. My daughter’s beautiful, charming and 19-years-old. She’s old enough to date and she has good taste most of the time but her current boyfriend, Travis, is trash. He’s always getting into trouble at college.

They’re in the back of his car making out in front of my apartment building, I can see them through my binoculars from the 11th floor. He was supposed to drop her home 15 minutes ago but their goodbye kiss is taking forever.

I decide to go out there to speed things up.

I tap on the car window and they pull away from each other. Travis rolls down the window.

“It isn’t safe out here at night.” I say.

“Sorry dad.” My daughter replies. “I was just coming inside.”

“Sorry sir.” Travis says insincerely.

“Let me tell you a little story.” I begin. “When I was your age I was making out with a girl in my car in this neighbourhood at night. Just like you two. My girlfriend and I were about to rip each other’s clothes off when someone showed up with a gun. We had to give him all our money. You don’t want that to happen to you do you?”

“Did that really happen?” My daughter asks.

“Of course. Now go upstairs, I want to talk to Travis. Man to man.” I reply.

“Good luck.” She smiles at Travis.

My daughter leaves and it’s just me and Travis.

“I didn’t finish the whole story.” I say. “After my girlfriend and I gave our money to that guy, he left. But I followed him. And then at the right moment I hit him on the back of his head. I took back the money and took his gun too. I told him I’d use the gun on him if I ever saw him again.”

I pull a gun out of my jacket. Travis is horrified.

“I’ve never fired it and I hope you don’t give me a reason to use it.” I smile.

“Yes, sir.” Travis’s voice trembles. “I swear I won’t.”

Travis drives away.

That very night he breaks up with my daughter over text.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Community

“Will you marry me?” He gets down on his knees.

“I would but my parents found another guy from our community-”

“How many guys from your community can do this?” He spreads her legs open and dives in headfirst.

Some time later she leaves his bedroom wearing an engagement ring.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Yellow Yellow

When I wake up I’m horrified to find that my skin is completely yellow! I look like a Simpson’s character. In fact everything around me looks yellow. Was it something I ate? My cousin is visiting and we went out to eat last night. He’s sleeping beside me, snoring loudly, and he looks yellow too. Why is everything yellow?!

Just then I hear loud knocks on my door. “Rent!” The landlady demands.

It’s the first of this month and rent is due. But I can’t open the door, not like this.

I shake my cousin and try to wake him. He continues snoring. I slap him, “Wake up! Wake up!”

“Wh-what?” He finally opens his eyes.

I give him an envelope with cash. “Open the door and pay the landlady.”

“Why are you wear-”

“Just pay her!”

He gets out of bed and opens the door. She complains that he smells. She’s always complaining. After he pays her he goes to the bathroom.

I just got a new job and today is my first day. I cannot go to work like this — with yellow vision. I need this job or I won’t be able to pay rent next month.

There is knocking on the door again. “You gave me a torn note!” The landlady yells.

My cousin can’t open the door, he is still in the bathroom.

I open the door just a little and slowly stick my arm out, hiding the rest of my body. “Give me the torn note and I’ll give you a new one.” I say.

“Open the door.” She pushes it open. “Why are you wearing those ugly sunglasses?”

And then it dawns on me… I fell asleep with a new pair of sunglasses yesterday. I had been trying them on.

I give the landlady a new note and shut the door.

Hopefully I won’t do anything dumb at work today.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

99 Summerbank Drive

“Can I have a bigger allowance?” Matt asks.

“No. Your brother needs an allowance too.” Matt’s dad replies.

Matt grumbles all the way up to his bedroom. His hates his brother Jack. They always have to share everything from their allowance to the TV remote. Matt is 9-years-old and Jack is two years older. The worst part is that all the clothes Jack’s outgrown are passed onto Matt. They even share the same bedroom but thankfully they have separate beds.

But then Matt gets an idea. He goes downstairs and finds Jack studying in the living room.

Jack wants to study hard, get a good job, and buy his dad a better car and a bigger house. Ever since mom left dad for a richer man, Jack has buried himself in his books. Jack tries not to miss his mom too much, after all why should he? She abandoned her family!

“Hey, let’s go to that abandoned house.” Matt says.

“Number 99? It’s supposed to be haunted.” Jack says.

“Not anymore.” Matt replies. “Whatever haunted that house is long gone. The previous owners left in such a hurry that they forgot to take their jewelry. Let’s go get it!”

Jack agrees. Matt knew he would. For an older brother Jack is quite gullible.

The brothers make their way to 99 Summerbank Drive and stand in front of the dark red-bricked house.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea.” Matt says. “What if there’s something in there?”

“I’m going in.” Jack says. “I want those jewels.”

“Go around the back. The window is unlocked.”

“Wait for me here. I’ll be back soon.”

Jack makes his way to the house.

Matt smiles. He knew Jack wouldn’t be able to resist. Ever since mom left the family, Jack has been on a mission to get rich. What Jack doesn’t know is that there is still a great evil in 99 Summerbank Drive.

After Jack gets into the house through the window, he searches everywhere for the jewelry. After an hour of searching he gives up. The house is mostly empty. There’s nothing here except dust. Jack is about to leave when he hears a low growl. He feels goosebumps all over his body. He slowly turns around and comes face to face with something so horrifying that he starts screaming.

Matt hears Jack screaming and smiles widely. Jack’s never going to be heard from again.

Matt walks home victoriously. His allowance is about to go way up!

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Second Chance

“No! I won’t do it!” My dad screams.

He’s having another nightmare. I rush into his bedroom and wake him up.

“It’s okay, Dad.” I hand him a glass of water.

He sips it slowly.

“Mom again?”

“Yeah.” He says groggily.

I thought dad’s nightmares would stop once we moved to a cottage in the mountains, but he still wakes up screaming. Lately he’s been seeing Mom in his dreams. He says she’s trying to convince him to do something but he doesn’t want to do it.

Mom died when I was young. I’m still young, not old enough to get a driver’s license. But I was too young when mom died so I don’t remember her very well.

After tending to dad I go to the balcony and look at the stars. What a view.

Dad wanted to live in the mountains because he thought it would inspire him to write another book. But he hasn’t written much so far, he’s too exhausted from the nightmares.

Dad joins me on the balcony. Sometimes he can’t sleep after a nightmare. I can never sleep after he has a nightmare.

“I miss her.” He says.

He’s talking about mom.

“What was she like?”

I’ve asked him this question many times and each time he gives me a different answer.

“She became very good at chess. She was worse than me at first but she practiced so much that she eventually became the best in our college, she even managed to beat our math professor and that professor rarely lost to students.”

Interesting. I know something new about mom.

Dad leaves the balcony and goes to the study room.

I go to the living room to watch TV. From the sofa I can see dad writing page after page — it’s been a while since I’ve seen him write.

After dad goes to bed I decide to go into his study room.

I’ve never intruded on my dad’s privacy before but I’m wondering what he wrote just now.

I open his notebook and start reading. What I read is pretty disturbing. He’s written about his latest nightmare.

In his nightmare mom is trying to convince him that she is alive and is waiting for him at a McDonald’s near college — that was where they had their first date, that’s all they could afford as college students. But first he has to do something before he sees her: He has to kill me. But apparently I’ll only be ‘temporarily’ dead.

Once he reunites with her they will have kids and I will apparently be reborn — This way she will be able to watch me grow up. She died in a car accident when I was just a baby and she feels guilty that she never got the chance to watch me grow up.

I shut the notebook and go to the bathroom. I feel sick. I need to calm down. First of all my dad would never hurt me. It’s just a nightmare. And if he decides to write a story based on his nightmare then good for him. Writing is how he earns a living so it’s totally fine.

I try to leave the bathroom but the door won’t open. I try to push open the door but it won’t budge.

And then the lights go out. I try switching on the lights but it looks like the power is out. Just great.

“Dad!” I call out. “Dad! I’m stuck in the bathroom!”

Just then I hear a woman’s voice, “Shh, this won’t take long.”

Who the fuck was that? Then I feel something grab my neck. I’m being choked… can’t breathe. I try to fight back but it’s no use.

Before I die I decide to look on the bright side — maybe I will be reborn.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Loki Goes To Midgard

The Allfather kicked me out of Asgard for turning Thor’s weapon into a snake in the heat of battle. It was boring watching Thor plow through hordes of ogres so easily so I decided to even the odds.

My interference distracted Thor but he recovered soon enough and summoned a lightning blast to annihilate the remaining ogres.

“I sent you with Thor to save lives but your trickery caused further bloodshed.” The Allfather had said. “Do not return to Asgard until you’ve made it up to the people of Midgard.”

The invading ogres were wreaking havoc in a small town on Earth and my prank on Thor delayed our victory and led to more humans dying than necessary.

So that’s why I’ll be spending some time on Earth. To make amends. As I fly over a busy city in the form of a crow, I notice how traffic lights dictate when cars stop and go.

I cast a little spell to change all the traffic lights to green. Complete pandemonium ensues. Multiple accidents occur.

I barely have any time to enjoy my prank when I feel a sharp pain in my left thigh.

I cannot fly any longer, I revert to my original form after landing on a rooftop.

A moment later Thor appears before me holding a tiny doll that looks like… me.

“My dear Loki.” He says sympathetically. “When will you learn?”

“What’s that?” I point at the doll.

“Oh this?” Thor pokes the doll’s arm with a needle and I cry out in pain.

I try to snatch the doll but Thor moves out of the way.

“The Allfather has instructed me to punish you whenever you cause trouble.” Thor smiles.

“You’ll regret this.” I reply.

Thor flicks the doll’s nose hard — which ends up breaking my own nose.

“Hurry up and finish your good deeds, the people of Asgard miss you terribly.” Thor smirks and disappears.

Good deeds. Hmm. Where to begin?

Perhaps by answering prayers. Mortals pray to their gods and goddesses every day. Come to think of it, I’ve never a met a deity from another religion — now that would be interesting.

Well, right now there are plenty of people praying for better weather. It just won’t stop raining and the city is getting flooded. A few people have already drowned.

But nobody could possibly drown if they were fishes. So that’s exactly what I do — I turn all the people stuck outside in this bad weather into fishes!

And when the weather improves they’ll become human again.

Well, that was rather exhausting. I think I need a drink. I disguise myself as an ordinary citizen and head to the nearest pub.

When I get there I see a man slip a pill into a woman’s drink. His intentions seem less than honourable.

The woman finishes her drink and unintentionally swallows the pill. The man leads her out of the bar and into his car. I follow stealthily by turning into a fly.

Eventually the man and woman are in a dingy motel room and he is on top of her.

I cast my first spell.

He takes off her pants he gasps in horror. She has a giant penis between her legs. All that work, the man thinks, for this!

I cast my second spell.

The giant penis turns into a poisonous snake and wraps itself around the man’s neck. Then the snake forces its way into the man’s mouth and down his throat. He will now experience a very slow and painful death.

I can’t be bothered to watch the whole thing — seen it too many times. Instead I take the woman home and erase her recent memories.

Hmm, Earth isn’t such a dull place after all.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh