Loki Goes To Midgard

The Allfather kicked me out of Asgard for turning Thor’s weapon into a snake in the heat of battle. It was boring watching Thor plow through hordes of ogres so easily so I decided to even the odds.

My interference distracted Thor but he recovered soon enough and summoned a lightning blast to annihilate the remaining ogres.

“I sent you with Thor to save lives but your trickery caused further bloodshed.” The Allfather had said. “Do not return to Asgard until you’ve made it up to the people of Midgard.”

The invading ogres were wreaking havoc in a small town on Earth and my prank on Thor delayed our victory and led to more humans dying than necessary.

So that’s why I’ll be spending some time on Earth. To make amends. As I fly over a busy city in the form of a crow, I notice how traffic lights dictate when cars stop and go.

I cast a little spell to change all the traffic lights to green. Complete pandemonium ensues. Multiple accidents occur.

I barely have any time to enjoy my prank when I feel a sharp pain in my left thigh.

I cannot fly any longer, I revert to my original form after landing on a rooftop.

A moment later Thor appears before me holding a tiny doll that looks like… me.

“My dear Loki.” He says sympathetically. “When will you learn?”

“What’s that?” I point at the doll.

“Oh this?” Thor pokes the doll’s arm with a needle and I cry out in pain.

I try to snatch the doll but Thor moves out of the way.

“The Allfather has instructed me to punish you whenever you cause trouble.” Thor smiles.

“You’ll regret this.” I reply.

Thor flicks the doll’s nose hard — which ends up breaking my own nose.

“Hurry up and finish your good deeds, the people of Asgard miss you terribly.” Thor smirks and disappears.

Good deeds. Hmm. Where to begin?

Perhaps by answering prayers. Mortals pray to their gods and goddesses every day. Come to think of it, I’ve never a met a deity from another religion — now that would be interesting.

Well, right now there are plenty of people praying for better weather. It just won’t stop raining and the city is getting flooded. A few people have already drowned.

But nobody could possibly drown if they were fishes. So that’s exactly what I do — I turn all the people stuck outside in this bad weather into fishes!

And when the weather improves they’ll become human again.

Well, that was rather exhausting. I think I need a drink. I disguise myself as an ordinary citizen and head to the nearest pub.

When I get there I see a man slip a pill into a woman’s drink. His intentions seem less than honourable.

The woman finishes her drink and unintentionally swallows the pill. The man leads her out of the bar and into his car. I follow stealthily by turning into a fly.

Eventually the man and woman are in a dingy motel room and he is on top of her.

I cast my first spell.

He takes off her pants he gasps in horror. She has a giant penis between her legs. All that work, the man thinks, for this!

I cast my second spell.

The giant penis turns into a poisonous snake and wraps itself around the man’s neck. Then the snake forces its way into the man’s mouth and down his throat. He will now experience a very slow and painful death.

I can’t be bothered to watch the whole thing — seen it too many times. Instead I take the woman home and erase her recent memories.

Hmm, Earth isn’t such a dull place after all.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Break

Every night the boy next door climbs up Ashley’s long hair to reach her balcony. They share soft kisses under the stars. His sweet words and dashing good looks make her fall in love with him.

She pours her heart out to him. She tells him how wishes her parents would let her out of the house and how she wants to explore the world. He promises that one day he will marry her and take her on grand adventures.

But one night her lover doesn’t show up. As Ashley waits on her balcony, she wonders where he could be. But then she sees him climbing up another woman’s hair! When he gets to the top he starts kissing this other woman. Ashley is heartbroken.

The next night her lover calls for her, “My dear Ashley! Let down your hair so I may see you!”

Ashley lets down her hair. He starts climbing up her hair. When he’s close to the top, she cuts off her hair with a large knife.

He screams as he falls all the way down. He breaks every bone when he hits the ground.

“A fair price.” Ashley whispers to herself. “For breaking my heart.”

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Six Star Service

My wife and I are checking into a quiet little motel surrounded by nature. We can’t see much because the sun set an hour ago and it’s already quite dark.

“Let me be honest.” The motel manager says. “Our guests have seen ghosts wandering about.”

“Oh my.” My wife says. “Should we leave?”

“But nothing dangerous has happened.” The manager quickly says. “Nobody has gotten hurt.”

“It’ll be fine.” I say. “Just give us the room key.”

I really need this break from the city. I’m sick of the traffic, the pollution, and sitting in a goddamn office for 13 hours a day. I can’t remember the last time I was home on the weekend.

The manager gives us the room key. My wife and I take the elevator to the 5th floor.

After entering the room — which has an incredible view — I collapse in bed, not bothering to even glance at the bright stars. There is also a full moon tonight but my eyes are already shut.

Even though we’re in a beautiful place that looks breathtaking in the day, what I am most looking forward to is sleep. Tonight I want a good night’s sleep and tomorrow a good day’s sleep would be perfectly fine too.

My wife comes to bed after freshening up in the bathroom. She slides her hand down my pyjamas. After a few minutes she gives up because I can’t get it up. She switches off the light and kisses me goodnight.

She doesn’t say anything but I know she’s disappointed. I feel guilty because we haven’t had sex in a really long time. But we’re here for a week so there is plenty of time for sex.

Work has been so stressful this year. I just need some rest before I can think about anything else.

I shut my eyes and feel grateful that the pillow and bed are so comfortable.

But then my wife starts moaning. I have never heard her sound so sexually aroused.

“Oh god!” She says. “I didn’t know you could do that!”

That’s strange… I’m not doing anything. But my wife thinks I’m doing something to her.

That means there is a ghost in bed.

But I don’t want to ruin the moment for my wife. Let her enjoy herself.

I fall asleep while my wife is moans in ecstasy.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Trade Off

When I was growing up, I never imagined I’d make a living by kidnapping kids for ransom. But here we are. I was running the rat-race for years and years until I realized there’s a better way.

But this latest kid is different. He didn’t even put up a fight when I snatched him near his school.

“Don’t worry kid.” I say. “Just think of this as a little vacation.”

It’s not like I’m keeping these kids in cages. I’ve put them in clean spacious rooms with TV, books, toys, and good wholesome food three times a day.

“You’ll be home before you know it.” I say.

He doesn’t reply. He’s hardly said anything since I took him.

“I don’t want to go home.” The boy says.

“Why not?” I ask.

The boy takes off his shirt and shows me the scars on his back.

Damn this kid for waking up my conscience. If I give the boy back to his parents, they’ll keep beating him.

“Well, there goes my ransom.” I sigh. “Listen kid, do you wanna live somewhere else?”

He immediately agrees.

I have a feeling he’ll like the orphanage I grew up in. It’s a good place, after all I turned out alright.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Transformation & Transformer

Transformation

He comes home early in the morning.

“Where were you last night?” She asks.

“Work.” He collapses on the sofa.

“You reek of alcohol.”

“Client meeting. You know how it is.”

“Next time tell me if you’re going out with your whore so I don’t waste time making dinner for you.”

He tries to apologize but she runs into the bedroom and locks the door. She starts crying and prays for a better husband. She hates living in this new country with her husband. She misses her home, her parents, her friends, and all the adorable stuffed animals in her bedroom.

Her husband knocks on the bedroom door for five straight minutes, but she won’t open it. He gives up and goes back to the living room and turns on the TV. Suddenly he starts to feel nauseous. It’s probably the alcohol, he just needs some rest. But then he notices a little more hair on his arms than usual.

A few minutes later his clothes start feeling very tight. He takes off his clothes and cries out in alarm. There is long hair on his legs, stomach, chest. His back starts feeling itchy and he feels hair over there too.

What the hell is going on? He rushes to the bathroom and sees hair all over his face! And his face looks different… it looks like… a bear?

A few minutes later he screams in agony as the transformation is complete. His wife emerges from her bedroom and gasps in shock.

Her former husband is now a giant cuddly teddy bear. Looks like her prayers were answered.

 

The next story is related to the previous one but both are separate standalone stories.

 

Transformer

I’ve been stuck in the body of a giant teddy bear for two years. My wife told the police I went missing after she did this to me. Or should I say my ex-wife since she remarried two months after my ‘disappearance’.

Yes, I cheated on her but how the hell is this a reasonable punishment? I never wanted to marry her in the first place. She never wanted to marry me. Our parents forced us and neither of us had the backbone to say no. And now I don’t even have a physical backbone because I’m a goddamn teddy bear.

Oh, and you’ll never believe who she married. Her best friend. That’s right, the guy she had friend-zoned since her school days. The guy who listened to her complain about being married to someone like me. Her parents weren’t very happy with the decision because he isn’t rich.

Me being a giant teddy was very entertaining for her at first. She’d play with me and hug me while sleeping at night. Then she started getting sloppy. She’d drop food crumbs on me while eating. Once she even spilt piping hot coffee on me, which I’m pretty sure was on purpose. But worst of all she’d let her bratty nephews play with me and they would hit me and throw me around all day.

Sometimes I wish I had lost my consciousness along with my body. Maybe it would’ve been better if I’d died during the transformation. But maybe there’s hope. Maybe I can undo this transformation and get my life back. I haven’t figured out how to talk yet but slowly I have gained control over my furry limbs.

It wasn’t easy, for the first several months I was completely paralyzed. It took a few more months to even learn how to move my paw, several more to learn how to walk and move around, and much longer to learn how to grab objects. Of course, I couldn’t do this in plain view, so I mastered my body by night.

And now I have snuck out of my ex-wife’s bedroom to go to the dining room. I take a seat on the dining table. I can’t use a laptop, my paws are too big. I can’t hold a normal pen either, so I am using one of those giant novelty pencils to write a letter to a trusted friend. I want him to know what’s happened to me, maybe he can help.

I stare at the blank sheet of paper. Will my friend even believe what I am about to write? It won’t even be in my handwriting because I am not human anymore. It’s such a ridiculous story. How the hell do I convincingly explain what has happened to me? Suddenly I slip off the chair and fall down. I guess I’m not completely used to my stuffed body.

And then I hear a dog growl. Oh no. Slipping off the chair made too much noise. My ex-wife bought a dog last week. The dog is moving closer to me. He looks angry. He growls a little louder. I hold the giant pencil like a sword, ready to defend myself, but my paws are shaking.

Calm down doggy. Calm down. But the dog starts barking. Oh crap. Why tonight of all nights? The dog pounces on me! I try to swing the pencil at him, but I am too slow, the dog bites my arm off and is using its claws and teeth to destroy my furry body.

Now I am completely in pieces. Maybe I can be sewn back together? Assuming my ex-wife doesn’t throw me out. I certainly wouldn’t keep a teddy that walks around at night.

Will I ever be normal again?

 

Epilogue

The next morning my ex finds me in the living room. She immediately figures out what happened. She pets her dog lovingly and throws my remains in the fireplace. I’m dying but at least I won’t have to be a teddy bear anymore.

 

 

Writer: Rohan

Kilo Killer Kamp

She went from a size 6 to a size 9 in less than a year because she eats while sleep-walking. It’s crazy to think that while she’s sleeping, she raids the fridge like some kind of savage barbarian.

In this country obesity isn’t seen as something beyond your control. If you’re fat, society will see you as a degenerate that is too lazy to be fit. It’s as simple as that and anyone overweight for their height and weight will be fined $100 per kilogram every month until they lose weight.

She’s 5 kilos overweight and has had to pay $500 per month for the last several months. If she gains another 5, she’ll be required to pay a fortune to lose weight at Kilo Killer Kamp (a brutal fitness boot camp). If she can’t afford to pay the monthly obesity fine, she’ll be deported. If she gains another 5 kilos and can’t afford Kilo Killer Kamp, she’ll be deported!

She grabs her skipping rope from her closet and starts skipping. While she’s skipping, she knocks over a lamp. She chides herself for carelessly destroying her mother’s gift but continues skipping. 15 minutes later she’s ready to collapse but she’s determined to keep going. She must become a size 6 again.

Soon her roommate Archie comes home. As usual, he opens her bedroom door without knocking.

“Instead of skipping why not run to the grocery store and buy some food?” He says. “I’m starving and you ate all my spaghetti and chips last night!”

“There’s too much pollution outside!” She tosses the skipping rope aside.

“I don’t care. You ate all my food.” Archie says.

“It’s a medical condition okay! I can’t control it.”

“If you were the Big Bad Wolf, you would’ve not only eaten the pigs, but their houses as well!”

“Stop being mean.” She says. “Now listen, you have to help me. I need a favor.”

“Not again. ” He groans.

“Please, I have a boyfriend now! He doesn’t say anything, but I know he’d be happier if I were slimmer!”

“Seriously? You have a boyfriend? He actually asked you out… in your condition?” Archie stares at her thighs.

“Yes, you asshole! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!”

“Only a blind eye could find you beautiful.”

“Will you please stop being you and just help?”

“Fine. What do you want?” He asks.

Archie is an annoying dickhead, but he can be a nice guy. Last month he paid her monthly obesity fine because her current job doesn’t pay very well.

“A treadmill.” She replies.

“Are you serious?”

“It’s for a good cause. I’ll pay you back… one day.”

Archie narrows his eyebrows, “Fine. You can use my credit card.”

“Thank you.”

“Wait, I have an idea about your sleep-eating.”

“What?

“Why not put a lock outside your door?” Archie suggests. “When you go to bed at night, I’ll lock it. Then you won’t be able to get out of your room. Call me when you wake up in the morning and I’ll unlock it.”

“Okay! It should work.”

She then decides to do some online research on the food she’s eaten in the past year, especially this new brand of bread called Breader. She discovers that people eating Breader are also eating in their sleep. Breader is one of the few bread brands available in the country, ever since the government banned many other brands for “health” reasons. Breader’s market share is growing every month.

Does the government want a portion of the population to gain weight knowing full well that Kilo Killer Kamps are unaffordable for most people? Does the government want an excuse to deport some of its own citizens?

The country is overpopulated so that would make sense. Most overweight people are deported because Kilo Killer Kamps are unaffordable… Kilo Killer Kamps are government-owned… Breader is also owned by the government… She smells the foul stink of conspiracy.

She throws her bread in the trash.

Two months later after skipping every day and running on the treadmill, she loses 10 kilos and drops to a size 5. She doesn’t sleep-eat anymore. In fact, she doesn’t even get up in her sleep. She looks and feels better.

Archie now finds her attractive. He tries to ask her out but she tells him that she’d rather go to Kilo Killer Kamp.

She starts applying for jobs in other countries because there’s no way she plans to stay here for the rest of her life. Hopefully her boyfriend will come with her.

 

Writer: Rohan

Flirt

She’s pretty tolerant of her boyfriend flirting with other girls because he’s proven time and again that he only has eyes for her. The only thing that bothers her is when women continue to flirt with him after he tells them that he has a girlfriend.

He doesn’t mind if she flirts with other guys either. When they go out they compete to see who can get more numbers.

Tonight he’s gotten more numbers so she needs to catch up.

She starts chatting up a random guy but doesn’t notice when he slips something in her drink.

 

Writer: Rohan

Knock Knock

This used to be a serial killer’s home. It’s been abandoned ever since he died 100 years ago but I decided to sneak in through the kitchen window.

They say the killer cut off little pieces of his victims right here in the kitchen and ate those pieces while he tortured them. He targeted mean rich kids, starting with the ones who bullied him when he was in high school. Those bullies made his life hell – They beat him, mocked him, stole from him, they even sodomized him.

But he got even with every single one of them. But he didn’t stop there. He kept going until he killed himself in the living room while watching TV, which is where I am right now. They say he was watching the weather when he shot himself. When the weatherman said it was going to snow again, he pulled the trigger.

I go upstairs to his bedroom. He actually had a pretty normal family life – Two kids, a dog, a lovely wife. Naturally they all moved out when they found out that he’d killed over 50 people. His first kill was after the birth of his first child. He was very involved in his kids’ school, he made sure his kids didn’t go through what he did.

I look out the bedroom window. Being here makes me feel a little guilty. I never bullied anyone, but I did watch a kid get bullied every day at school and did nothing to stop it. It was a long time ago and I wonder how that kid turned out. Should I have stood up for him? I stayed out of it because I thought I would’ve gotten bullied too.

I’m about to leave the bedroom when I notice that the bedroom door is shut. Strange, I don’t remember shutting it when I came in. I try to open it, but it’s locked. Okay. I think I’m going to panic now. After some effort I manage to open the bedroom window. But I’m on the second floor and it’s a long way down. There is a tree that I might be able to jump to and then I could climb down it.

And now I can hear knocks on the bedroom door. Great. That’s just great. I have no intention of staying to find out what’s behind that door. I prepare to jump out the window. I carefully get on the window ledge and bend my knees. I jump and reach for the tree branch.

Oh no, I missed it by a few inches. I’m falling.

And that’s when I wake up.

It takes me a few seconds to realize that it was all bad dream. I’m not falling. I’m under my blanket, safe and sound.

I take off my blanket and slowly realize that I’m not in my bedroom. I’m in the serial killer’s bedroom.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Lucy

Part 1

Nobody knows who killed the girl next door. It certainly wasn’t me, I had a crush on her for years. Of course I never told her how I felt, I was too shy back then. All the boys in the neighborhood liked her. She had a bright smile, wore cute dresses, and always went several miles out of her way to help people. I just can’t imagine anyone splitting her head with an axe.

Her brother was a soldier and by the time he came home from the war, Lucy had hit puberty and was attracting a lot of attention. Whenever Lucy attracted the wrong kind of attention, her brother would intervene. This one guy followed her home for weeks until her brother broke his legs. He handled a lot of guys that made trouble for her. But there were so many guys, so maybe one of them got to her.

Lucy had a jealous friend named Stacey. But every time Stacey liked a boy, that boy would always end up liking Lucy. Lucy tried to set Stacey up with other boys, but it never worked out. As time went on, Stacey grew bitter. One day Stacey hit Lucy with a car. Lucy was cycling around the neighborhood and Stacey was just learning how to drive. Stacey claimed it was an accident. A week later Lucy was murdered.

You could argue that I killed Lucy because I was the last one to see her. Her parents weren’t home, and she was helping me with my homework. After she finished tutoring me, I left her house. About 30 seconds after leaving I heard Lucy scream, so I rushed back to her house. When I saw her body, I called the cops.

The murder weapon, a giant axe which was left at the crime scene, was far too heavy for me to lift. There were no signs of breaking and entering, so nobody knows when or how the murderer got into the house.

Even though it’s been 10 years since Lucy died, sometimes I see her in my dreams, especially if I’ve had a bad day at work.

In my dreams she tells me to never give up.

 

Final Part

Sometimes when you screw up because you don’t listen to your mother, you’ll have to listen to her say, “I told you so.” Well, I really should’ve listened to mine when she told me not to talk to strangers. But sometimes I did talk to people when I was bored on the long bus ride to school. I remember talking to a middle-aged man 10 years ago before Lucy’s death.

The conversation started out normally, I talked about my favorite subjects at school and he told me what he missed about his schooldays. We both agreed that the food at the school cafeteria could be a lot better. But then things got uncomfortable. He started ranting about how much he hated blonds and how his father had left his mother for a blond woman when he was very young. His mother died of a broken heart a year after his father left.

While I felt sorry for him and his mother, I had to open my big mouth and tell him that not all blonds are bad. I told him about my beautiful blond friend named Lucy who was one of the kindest people I’d ever met. I told him about how she volunteered at the local animal shelter and how she read to the blind on weekends. But the man simply smiled and told me that I was too young to understand.

Why am I thinking about this encounter now? Because I just saw that man on the news a few minutes ago. He’s a serial killer nicknamed the ‘Blond Butcher’ and he’s killed one blond person a year for the last 10 years. Every year on his mother’s birthday he’d kill a blond person. A dead blonde was the best birthday gift for his mom.

He killed 10 blondes before getting caught. His first victim was Lucy. Aside from her, the other victims were kidnapped, murdered, dismembered, and hidden.

If I hadn’t told him about Lucy, then she would still be alive.

They say the Blond Butcher will get the death penalty. I certainly hope so.

 

Writer: Rohan

Snack

Part 1

My cook is trying to poison me. Lately I’ve been getting sicker after consuming any meal prepared by him. He’s been cooking for my family for generations and I’m the last surviving member of that family. Why does he want me dead? His salary has gone up every year even though he’s cooked less every year due to the demise of one family member after another.

Today he’s made spaghetti. He sets the plate down in front of me and smiles.

I smile back and offer him the first bite.

“I’ll have my dinner later.” He replies politely.

“There’s enough for both of us.”

“That’s very kind of you but I’m not hungry.”

He leaves the dining room. I roll up some spaghetti in my fork and stare at it. I always roll up the exact same amount of spaghetti for each bite. I’ve gotten good at it. So why does this particular roll of spaghetti feel heavier than usual? Has the poison made it heavier? Should I take a bite?

 

Part 2

I ate the spaghetti last night. And I felt sick. I ate oatmeal this morning. And I felt sicker. My cook, who made the oatmeal, ate the same oatmeal with me, for I was insistent that he join me. But he seems fine. Absolutely healthy. Then why am I getting sicker by the meal? How are his movements so fluid and carefree while mine are lagging and sluggish? There’s only one answer. He has swallowed the antidote. He’s immune to the poison.

But where has he hidden the antidote? I’ve searched the whole house. But my cook knows my house better than me. I used to play hide and seek with him when I was a kid. He always found me, every single time, but I never found him once. There’s also the possibility that he finished all the antidote.

The point is that my cook has left me no choice but to resort to drastic measures. I’ve been a vegetarian my whole life but that’s about to change. If the antidote is inside him, I must eat him to cure myself. I enter his bedroom in the middle of the night. He’s asleep. I approach him with a knife and fork.

 

Part 3

The doorbell wakes me up. I push the newspaper off me and slowly get off the sofa. My entire body is aching.

I answer the bell and it’s the little girl from next door.

“Hi! Do you have any cookies?” She asks.

“Unfortunately no. My cook isn’t here.”

“He went on vacation, didn’t he?” She says. “He promised he’d bake some cookies for me before he left.”

“Did he? I can’t remember.”

“You never remember anything!” She frowns.

I go back inside after promising the girl I’ll give her a hundred cookies next week.

I think my cook mentioned something about taking a short vacation this week. But I can’t remember. And my stomach hurts more than ever, especially after my last meal. I don’t even remember what I ate.

I go into my cook’s bedroom. I check the closet and the wardrobe. None of his belongings are here. It doesn’t seem like he’s gone on vacation, it seems like he’s completely moved out. Where did he go?

 

Part 4

“What’s that you have there?” The little girl’s father asks.

“Our neighbor baked me some cookies!” The little girl puts the box on the dining table.

“What?” The father looks worried. “Why him?”

“Because his cook didn’t do it before going on vacation.” She replies.

The little girl picks up a cookie and takes a bite. She immediately spits it out and proceeds to vomit.

 

Final Part

“I told you we should’ve moved a long time ago. But you said having a strange neighbor is no reason to move!” Says the little girl’s mother.

“I thought he was just strange. I didn’t know he was capable of this.” Replies the little girl’s father.

The little girl’s parents are watching the news on TV. Reporters are talking about a man who murdered his cook and used the body parts to bake cookies which he then gave to the little girl. The man claims that he is innocent and has no memory of committing such heinous crimes.

 

Writer: Rohan