Love

Dinner with my girlfriend’s mother is never pleasant.

“Are you still a junior manager?” My girlfriend’s mother asks me. “You know, Anthony is CEO of two companies now.”

My girlfriend, Jane, left Anthony because he was always working and never had time for her. Sometimes I feel that Jane wouldn’t be with me if Anthony had worked a little less. And Jane’s mother always bring up Anthony whenever we have dinner.

After dinner Jane and I drive home.

“I’m sorry about my mother.” Jane says as usual.

“It’s fine.” I reply.

“I have a surprise for you.” Jane says. “It’s waiting for you at home.”

A surprise? Jane has never surprised me before. I mean aside from agreeing to be my girlfriend.

When we get home Jane leads me to the garage. I’m shocked when I see Anthony’s dead body lying there.

There’s a bullet in his head.

“I know this is a little extreme.” Jane says. “But I want to prove to you that I’m never going to go back to him, no matter how much my mother wishes I would. You have no reason to be insecure. I love you.”

She hugs me. I hug her back.

You know what, I feel a bit better.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Wrong Guy

You can never be too careful if you’re a single father. My daughter’s beautiful, charming and 19-years-old. She’s old enough to date and she has good taste most of the time but her current boyfriend, Travis, is trash. He’s always getting into trouble at college.

They’re in the back of his car making out in front of my apartment building, I can see them through my binoculars from the 11th floor. He was supposed to drop her home 15 minutes ago but their goodbye kiss is taking forever.

I decide to go out there to speed things up.

I tap on the car window and they pull away from each other. Travis rolls down the window.

“It isn’t safe out here at night.” I say.

“Sorry dad.” My daughter replies. “I was just coming inside.”

“Sorry sir.” Travis says insincerely.

“Let me tell you a little story.” I begin. “When I was your age I was making out with a girl in my car in this neighbourhood at night. Just like you two. My girlfriend and I were about to rip each other’s clothes off when someone showed up with a gun. We had to give him all our money. You don’t want that to happen to you do you?”

“Did that really happen?” My daughter asks.

“Of course. Now go upstairs, I want to talk to Travis. Man to man.” I reply.

“Good luck.” She smiles at Travis.

My daughter leaves and it’s just me and Travis.

“I didn’t finish the whole story.” I say. “After my girlfriend and I gave our money to that guy, he left. But I followed him. And then at the right moment I hit him on the back of his head. I took back the money and took his gun too. I told him I’d use the gun on him if I ever saw him again.”

I pull a gun out of my jacket. Travis is horrified.

“I’ve never fired it and I hope you don’t give me a reason to use it.” I smile.

“Yes, sir.” Travis’s voice trembles. “I swear I won’t.”

Travis drives away.

That very night he breaks up with my daughter over text.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Community

“Will you marry me?” He gets down on his knees.

“I would but my parents found another guy from our community-”

“How many guys from your community can do this?” He spreads her legs open and dives in headfirst.

Some time later she leaves his bedroom wearing an engagement ring.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

99 Summerbank Drive

“Can I have a bigger allowance?” Matt asks.

“No. Your brother needs an allowance too.” Matt’s dad replies.

Matt grumbles all the way up to his bedroom. His hates his brother Jack. They always have to share everything from their allowance to the TV remote. Matt is 9-years-old and Jack is two years older. The worst part is that all the clothes Jack’s outgrown are passed onto Matt. They even share the same bedroom but thankfully they have separate beds.

But then Matt gets an idea. He goes downstairs and finds Jack studying in the living room.

Jack wants to study hard, get a good job, and buy his dad a better car and a bigger house. Ever since mom left dad for a richer man, Jack has buried himself in his books. Jack tries not to miss his mom too much, after all why should he? She abandoned her family!

“Hey, let’s go to that abandoned house.” Matt says.

“Number 99? It’s supposed to be haunted.” Jack says.

“Not anymore.” Matt replies. “Whatever haunted that house is long gone. The previous owners left in such a hurry that they forgot to take their jewelry. Let’s go get it!”

Jack agrees. Matt knew he would. For an older brother Jack is quite gullible.

The brothers make their way to 99 Summerbank Drive and stand in front of the dark red-bricked house.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea.” Matt says. “What if there’s something in there?”

“I’m going in.” Jack says. “I want those jewels.”

“Go around the back. The window is unlocked.”

“Wait for me here. I’ll be back soon.”

Jack makes his way to the house.

Matt smiles. He knew Jack wouldn’t be able to resist. Ever since mom left the family, Jack has been on a mission to get rich. What Jack doesn’t know is that there is still a great evil in 99 Summerbank Drive.

After Jack gets into the house through the window, he searches everywhere for the jewelry. After an hour of searching he gives up. The house is mostly empty. There’s nothing here except dust. Jack is about to leave when he hears a low growl. He feels goosebumps all over his body. He slowly turns around and comes face to face with something so horrifying that he starts screaming.

Matt hears Jack screaming and smiles widely. Jack’s never going to be heard from again.

Matt walks home victoriously. His allowance is about to go way up!

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Loki Goes To Midgard

The Allfather kicked me out of Asgard for turning Thor’s weapon into a snake in the heat of battle. It was boring watching Thor plow through hordes of ogres so easily so I decided to even the odds.

My interference distracted Thor but he recovered soon enough and summoned a lightning blast to annihilate the remaining ogres.

“I sent you with Thor to save lives but your trickery caused further bloodshed.” The Allfather had said. “Do not return to Asgard until you’ve made it up to the people of Midgard.”

The invading ogres were wreaking havoc in a small town on Earth and my prank on Thor delayed our victory and led to more humans dying than necessary.

So that’s why I’ll be spending some time on Earth. To make amends. As I fly over a busy city in the form of a crow, I notice how traffic lights dictate when cars stop and go.

I cast a little spell to change all the traffic lights to green. Complete pandemonium ensues. Multiple accidents occur.

I barely have any time to enjoy my prank when I feel a sharp pain in my left thigh.

I cannot fly any longer, I revert to my original form after landing on a rooftop.

A moment later Thor appears before me holding a tiny doll that looks like… me.

“My dear Loki.” He says sympathetically. “When will you learn?”

“What’s that?” I point at the doll.

“Oh this?” Thor pokes the doll’s arm with a needle and I cry out in pain.

I try to snatch the doll but Thor moves out of the way.

“The Allfather has instructed me to punish you whenever you cause trouble.” Thor smiles.

“You’ll regret this.” I reply.

Thor flicks the doll’s nose hard — which ends up breaking my own nose.

“Hurry up and finish your good deeds, the people of Asgard miss you terribly.” Thor smirks and disappears.

Good deeds. Hmm. Where to begin?

Perhaps by answering prayers. Mortals pray to their gods and goddesses every day. Come to think of it, I’ve never a met a deity from another religion — now that would be interesting.

Well, right now there are plenty of people praying for better weather. It just won’t stop raining and the city is getting flooded. A few people have already drowned.

But nobody could possibly drown if they were fishes. So that’s exactly what I do — I turn all the people stuck outside in this bad weather into fishes!

And when the weather improves they’ll become human again.

Well, that was rather exhausting. I think I need a drink. I disguise myself as an ordinary citizen and head to the nearest pub.

When I get there I see a man slip a pill into a woman’s drink. His intentions seem less than honourable.

The woman finishes her drink and unintentionally swallows the pill. The man leads her out of the bar and into his car. I follow stealthily by turning into a fly.

Eventually the man and woman are in a dingy motel room and he is on top of her.

I cast my first spell.

He takes off her pants he gasps in horror. She has a giant penis between her legs. All that work, the man thinks, for this!

I cast my second spell.

The giant penis turns into a poisonous snake and wraps itself around the man’s neck. Then the snake forces its way into the man’s mouth and down his throat. He will now experience a very slow and painful death.

I can’t be bothered to watch the whole thing — seen it too many times. Instead I take the woman home and erase her recent memories.

Hmm, Earth isn’t such a dull place after all.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Break

Every night the boy next door climbs up Ashley’s long hair to reach her balcony. They share soft kisses under the stars. His sweet words and dashing good looks make her fall in love with him.

She pours her heart out to him. She tells him how wishes her parents would let her out of the house and how she wants to explore the world. He promises that one day he will marry her and take her on grand adventures.

But one night her lover doesn’t show up. As Ashley waits on her balcony, she wonders where he could be. But then she sees him climbing up another woman’s hair! When he gets to the top he starts kissing this other woman. Ashley is heartbroken.

The next night her lover calls for her, “My dear Ashley! Let down your hair so I may see you!”

Ashley lets down her hair. He starts climbing up her hair. When he’s close to the top, she cuts off her hair with a large knife.

He screams as he falls all the way down. He breaks every bone when he hits the ground.

“A fair price.” Ashley whispers to herself. “For breaking my heart.”

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Six Star Service

My wife and I are checking into a quiet little motel surrounded by nature. We can’t see much because the sun set an hour ago and it’s already quite dark.

“Let me be honest.” The motel manager says. “Our guests have seen ghosts wandering about.”

“Oh my.” My wife says. “Should we leave?”

“But nothing dangerous has happened.” The manager quickly says. “Nobody has gotten hurt.”

“It’ll be fine.” I say. “Just give us the room key.”

I really need this break from the city. I’m sick of the traffic, the pollution, and sitting in a goddamn office for 13 hours a day. I can’t remember the last time I was home on the weekend.

The manager gives us the room key. My wife and I take the elevator to the 5th floor.

After entering the room — which has an incredible view — I collapse in bed, not bothering to even glance at the bright stars. There is also a full moon tonight but my eyes are already shut.

Even though we’re in a beautiful place that looks breathtaking in the day, what I am most looking forward to is sleep. Tonight I want a good night’s sleep and tomorrow a good day’s sleep would be perfectly fine too.

My wife comes to bed after freshening up in the bathroom. She slides her hand down my pyjamas. After a few minutes she gives up because I can’t get it up. She switches off the light and kisses me goodnight.

She doesn’t say anything but I know she’s disappointed. I feel guilty because we haven’t had sex in a really long time. But we’re here for a week so there is plenty of time for sex.

Work has been so stressful this year. I just need some rest before I can think about anything else.

I shut my eyes and feel grateful that the pillow and bed are so comfortable.

But then my wife starts moaning. I have never heard her sound so sexually aroused.

“Oh god!” She says. “I didn’t know you could do that!”

That’s strange… I’m not doing anything. But my wife thinks I’m doing something to her.

That means there is a ghost in bed.

But I don’t want to ruin the moment for my wife. Let her enjoy herself.

I fall asleep while my wife is moans in ecstasy.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Trade Off

When I was growing up, I never imagined I’d make a living by kidnapping kids for ransom. But here we are. I was running the rat-race for years and years until I realized there’s a better way.

But this latest kid is different. He didn’t even put up a fight when I snatched him near his school.

“Don’t worry kid.” I say. “Just think of this as a little vacation.”

It’s not like I’m keeping these kids in cages. I’ve put them in clean spacious rooms with TV, books, toys, and good wholesome food three times a day.

“You’ll be home before you know it.” I say.

He doesn’t reply. He’s hardly said anything since I took him.

“I don’t want to go home.” The boy says.

“Why not?” I ask.

The boy takes off his shirt and shows me the scars on his back.

Damn this kid for waking up my conscience. If I give the boy back to his parents, they’ll keep beating him.

“Well, there goes my ransom.” I sigh. “Listen kid, do you wanna live somewhere else?”

He immediately agrees.

I have a feeling he’ll like the orphanage I grew up in. It’s a good place, after all I turned out alright.

 

Writer: Rohan Parekh

Transformation & Transformer

Transformation

He comes home early in the morning.

“Where were you last night?” She asks.

“Work.” He collapses on the sofa.

“You reek of alcohol.”

“Client meeting. You know how it is.”

“Next time tell me if you’re going out with your whore so I don’t waste time making dinner for you.”

He tries to apologize but she runs into the bedroom and locks the door. She starts crying and prays for a better husband. She hates living in this new country with her husband. She misses her home, her parents, her friends, and all the adorable stuffed animals in her bedroom.

Her husband knocks on the bedroom door for five straight minutes, but she won’t open it. He gives up and goes back to the living room and turns on the TV. Suddenly he starts to feel nauseous. It’s probably the alcohol, he just needs some rest. But then he notices a little more hair on his arms than usual.

A few minutes later his clothes start feeling very tight. He takes off his clothes and cries out in alarm. There is long hair on his legs, stomach, chest. His back starts feeling itchy and he feels hair over there too.

What the hell is going on? He rushes to the bathroom and sees hair all over his face! And his face looks different… it looks like… a bear?

A few minutes later he screams in agony as the transformation is complete. His wife emerges from her bedroom and gasps in shock.

Her former husband is now a giant cuddly teddy bear. Looks like her prayers were answered.

 

The next story is related to the previous one but both are separate standalone stories.

 

Transformer

I’ve been stuck in the body of a giant teddy bear for two years. My wife told the police I went missing after she did this to me. Or should I say my ex-wife since she remarried two months after my ‘disappearance’.

Yes, I cheated on her but how the hell is this a reasonable punishment? I never wanted to marry her in the first place. She never wanted to marry me. Our parents forced us and neither of us had the backbone to say no. And now I don’t even have a physical backbone because I’m a goddamn teddy bear.

Oh, and you’ll never believe who she married. Her best friend. That’s right, the guy she had friend-zoned since her school days. The guy who listened to her complain about being married to someone like me. Her parents weren’t very happy with the decision because he isn’t rich.

Me being a giant teddy was very entertaining for her at first. She’d play with me and hug me while sleeping at night. Then she started getting sloppy. She’d drop food crumbs on me while eating. Once she even spilt piping hot coffee on me, which I’m pretty sure was on purpose. But worst of all she’d let her bratty nephews play with me and they would hit me and throw me around all day.

Sometimes I wish I had lost my consciousness along with my body. Maybe it would’ve been better if I’d died during the transformation. But maybe there’s hope. Maybe I can undo this transformation and get my life back. I haven’t figured out how to talk yet but slowly I have gained control over my furry limbs.

It wasn’t easy, for the first several months I was completely paralyzed. It took a few more months to even learn how to move my paw, several more to learn how to walk and move around, and much longer to learn how to grab objects. Of course, I couldn’t do this in plain view, so I mastered my body by night.

And now I have snuck out of my ex-wife’s bedroom to go to the dining room. I take a seat on the dining table. I can’t use a laptop, my paws are too big. I can’t hold a normal pen either, so I am using one of those giant novelty pencils to write a letter to a trusted friend. I want him to know what’s happened to me, maybe he can help.

I stare at the blank sheet of paper. Will my friend even believe what I am about to write? It won’t even be in my handwriting because I am not human anymore. It’s such a ridiculous story. How the hell do I convincingly explain what has happened to me? Suddenly I slip off the chair and fall down. I guess I’m not completely used to my stuffed body.

And then I hear a dog growl. Oh no. Slipping off the chair made too much noise. My ex-wife bought a dog last week. The dog is moving closer to me. He looks angry. He growls a little louder. I hold the giant pencil like a sword, ready to defend myself, but my paws are shaking.

Calm down doggy. Calm down. But the dog starts barking. Oh crap. Why tonight of all nights? The dog pounces on me! I try to swing the pencil at him, but I am too slow, the dog bites my arm off and is using its claws and teeth to destroy my furry body.

Now I am completely in pieces. Maybe I can be sewn back together? Assuming my ex-wife doesn’t throw me out. I certainly wouldn’t keep a teddy that walks around at night.

Will I ever be normal again?

 

Epilogue

The next morning my ex finds me in the living room. She immediately figures out what happened. She pets her dog lovingly and throws my remains in the fireplace. I’m dying but at least I won’t have to be a teddy bear anymore.

 

 

Writer: Rohan

Kilo Killer Kamp

She went from a size 6 to a size 9 in less than a year because she eats while sleep-walking. It’s crazy to think that while she’s sleeping, she raids the fridge like some kind of savage barbarian.

In this country obesity isn’t seen as something beyond your control. If you’re fat, society will see you as a degenerate that is too lazy to be fit. It’s as simple as that and anyone overweight for their height and weight will be fined $100 per kilogram every month until they lose weight.

She’s 5 kilos overweight and has had to pay $500 per month for the last several months. If she gains another 5, she’ll be required to pay a fortune to lose weight at Kilo Killer Kamp (a brutal fitness boot camp). If she can’t afford to pay the monthly obesity fine, she’ll be deported. If she gains another 5 kilos and can’t afford Kilo Killer Kamp, she’ll be deported!

She grabs her skipping rope from her closet and starts skipping. While she’s skipping, she knocks over a lamp. She chides herself for carelessly destroying her mother’s gift but continues skipping. 15 minutes later she’s ready to collapse but she’s determined to keep going. She must become a size 6 again.

Soon her roommate Archie comes home. As usual, he opens her bedroom door without knocking.

“Instead of skipping why not run to the grocery store and buy some food?” He says. “I’m starving and you ate all my spaghetti and chips last night!”

“There’s too much pollution outside!” She tosses the skipping rope aside.

“I don’t care. You ate all my food.” Archie says.

“It’s a medical condition okay! I can’t control it.”

“If you were the Big Bad Wolf, you would’ve not only eaten the pigs, but their houses as well!”

“Stop being mean.” She says. “Now listen, you have to help me. I need a favor.”

“Not again. ” He groans.

“Please, I have a boyfriend now! He doesn’t say anything, but I know he’d be happier if I were slimmer!”

“Seriously? You have a boyfriend? He actually asked you out… in your condition?” Archie stares at her thighs.

“Yes, you asshole! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!”

“Only a blind eye could find you beautiful.”

“Will you please stop being you and just help?”

“Fine. What do you want?” He asks.

Archie is an annoying dickhead, but he can be a nice guy. Last month he paid her monthly obesity fine because her current job doesn’t pay very well.

“A treadmill.” She replies.

“Are you serious?”

“It’s for a good cause. I’ll pay you back… one day.”

Archie narrows his eyebrows, “Fine. You can use my credit card.”

“Thank you.”

“Wait, I have an idea about your sleep-eating.”

“What?

“Why not put a lock outside your door?” Archie suggests. “When you go to bed at night, I’ll lock it. Then you won’t be able to get out of your room. Call me when you wake up in the morning and I’ll unlock it.”

“Okay! It should work.”

She then decides to do some online research on the food she’s eaten in the past year, especially this new brand of bread called Breader. She discovers that people eating Breader are also eating in their sleep. Breader is one of the few bread brands available in the country, ever since the government banned many other brands for “health” reasons. Breader’s market share is growing every month.

Does the government want a portion of the population to gain weight knowing full well that Kilo Killer Kamps are unaffordable for most people? Does the government want an excuse to deport some of its own citizens?

The country is overpopulated so that would make sense. Most overweight people are deported because Kilo Killer Kamps are unaffordable… Kilo Killer Kamps are government-owned… Breader is also owned by the government… She smells the foul stink of conspiracy.

She throws her bread in the trash.

Two months later after skipping every day and running on the treadmill, she loses 10 kilos and drops to a size 5. She doesn’t sleep-eat anymore. In fact, she doesn’t even get up in her sleep. She looks and feels better.

Archie now finds her attractive. He tries to ask her out but she tells him that she’d rather go to Kilo Killer Kamp.

She starts applying for jobs in other countries because there’s no way she plans to stay here for the rest of her life. Hopefully her boyfriend will come with her.

 

Writer: Rohan